cabin fever exacerbated

it is friday night, which means i am stuck here

going out on a friday night is bad, or so i have been raised to believe

i will abide by that, because i'm not planning on changing the core me bits

but i also have this intense need to get out, to go out and do something

i need to shop or eat or sing or scream, or all of those or maybe none

i can't and also won't do any, so i'm writing instead

***

coiled up energy and fear and stress and dread and guilt are springs squeezed to potential and let go inside me
where they ricochet off tender walls and poke and scratch with coarse wire ends and leave me bleeding and sore

turns out i never beat depression
and the easy fix isn't fixing anything this time.

***

hope so quickly turns to anticipation which turns to apprehension which turns to terror
and mixed in there somewhere is guilt tied to expectation

confusion is so much more easily conveyed in abstraction

and it's heavy, all of it, and cold

a sodden blanket