I'm wrung out, really. I've hit that plateau where I give up again. I'll go through the motions for a while longer, I think. I hope. But I'm not excited about anything anymore.
I need more sleep, I'm pretty sure. And I need something to look forward to, but what? Teaching? It feels more depressing than exciting at the moment.
How did this sneak up on me? I just want to be happy. I just want to live in the moments I have and enjoy them and keep moving forward, because stasis was strangling me. I don't want to keep living in these excessive cycles of up and down. Steady growth would be nice.
I'm trying to be good. I've heard all my life that if you're trying too hard, you haven't given it up the way you should and you'll just wear yourself out. Okay. But if I don't try at all, nothing gets any better, and I hate myself for doing nothing about my problems.
So I'm plateauing. I'm leveling off at the point where I'm exhausted, but I don't want to give up, but I'm too tired to be happy.
Oh, man, Esther, I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI want to like, give you advice and help you fix it or at least commiserate with some sort of "That be common for I, also, but be more strong, you."
'Cause, like, it is. I mean, honestly, I think I hit this feeling every couple of years, and I guess ... well, I sort of started taking comfort from that, like, "Yes, it's a plateau, and it's not fun or exciting; it's hard and stressful, but at least it's a higher plateau than the last one." Or like, if not a higher one, than at least a different one. Movement is happening, right?
And like, honestly, Esther, I think you're always gonna feel exhausted and overwhelmed when your goals are so big; I mean, you're looking at your whole life, at the light at the end of a, what, two-year tunnel? So like, of course it's gonna feel like you'll never get there.
I don't think I've ever had steady growth, myself, and anyway I've always been scared to climb sheer rock faces. But like ... don't give up? Figure out a way to be okay? Talk to me?
<3 Tl;dr: I love you and am sending you hugs.