I hate relying on other people.
It's not that I don't think they'll come through. Most will. If they don't, I don't let it get to me, because I tell myself I didn't expect much anyway.
It's more that I hate being dependent on anyone but myself. I must constantly prove to myself that I can handle my own problems, or I end up feeling weak and apologizing profusely to whoever is (I think) being horribly inconvenienced by stuff that (I think) is none of their business.
On the other hand, I've been told that it isn't bad to ask for help; that building a network of people you can count on is a good thing. I had never thought of it that way, so I'm trying to readjust a bit. Still, though. I can't help feeling like asking for help is an imposition.
How do you balance that? Being self-reliant, while allowing others to feel needed? I know I like feeling needed. It hurts when I think I'm not needed.
I will have to ponder on this more.
OH MY ESTHER I AGREE WITH THIS ON SO MANY LEVELS
ReplyDeleteI HATE THAT I HAVE TO ASK SOMEONE TO LET ME STAY WITH HER (I CANNOT AFFORD HOTELS) AND THAT I HAVE TO ASK SOMEONE TO TAKE ME TO MY CAR.
I HATE BEING DEPENDENT.
ESTHER, MY LOVE, I AGREE WITH THE BEING NEEDED PART, AND I KNOW THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE SOME SORT OF BALANCE.
I don't know. I wish I could make you feel safe and strong in relying on me, I guess? Is that weird?
That's weird.
Hm. Trust?
Mm. I dunno if it's weird, persay...I also wish I could let people know that it is okay to ask me for things; I am pretty much always happy to do it.
DeleteI think you are right. Trust is a huge part of it. Maybe I don't have enough. :S
I CERTAINLY DON'T, EITHER. But still . . . not-trusting is something people don't do on a whim; it's something learned the hard way. And whoever thinks you can or should be guilted into trusting more is either a moron or a sadist.
ReplyDeleteSorry. I just realized this has angry in it. I don't know why, but I'm leaving it there, I guess.
I miss you.