When I was a child
I dreamed that I could fly.
Arms to the sides
Leaning forward
I lifted away.
With a tingle in my stomach
And the teeth of my grin chilled in the wind
I was weightless
I was happy
I was free.
And I wanted to bring you with me.
You wanted to keep me close.
I showed you how
Carried you up
I thought it worked
For everyone.
But you couldn't get the knack.
You didn't want me to go without you.
And the more I pulled
The less lift I got.
I kept trying.
You stayed put.
Eventually
So did I.
With an ache in my arms
And the lines of a frown carved in my face
I was grounded.
I was tired.
I was caught.
In the dream of a child
I saw our future.
Let me go.
I love love love the cadence of this. It is pleasing to hear, to say.
ReplyDeleteI particularly love the first three stanzas and the last three stanzas.
Scratch that; I like all of it. I can picture it. It's something I get more out of every time I read it.
I'm really looking for things to criticize. I haven't found them yet.
I like the parallel elements like a chiasmus.
ReplyDeleteI like that this works with many different relationships.
Okay, well, here are a couple of things that maybe you could change. First, the parallel you built breaks down just a tad in the middle (I don't see how that could be better, honestly, and I think the breakdown actually underscores your point, but I'm trying to be critical, cussword, and so I'm going to be critical).
I guess my least favorite stanza is "But you couldn't get the knack / You didn't want me to go without you" simply because of the rhythm (again, I think this emphasizes the fact that the perfection the speaker thought was achieved has actually not been achieved at all; it's a necessary break).
ESTHER THIS IS HARD.
I LIKE IT TOO MUCH.
If they don't like this, they're shallow-minded idiots who have never loved anyone who couldn't be nearby.
ReplyDeleteThey're going to like it.
Okay, well, here's something. The title. It fits so very well but it breaks my heart because it suggests permanence; even if the speaker were released, s/he couldn't fly.
ReplyDeleteTTTTT.TTTTT YOU ARE SO NICE TO MEEEEE
ReplyDeletethanks much for the critique! :) I will think over the stanza/rhythm thing; the parallel issue I may leave? because I can't think of how else I would put it together right at the moment...:P
I miss you very much. I am sad you are not coming today. :(
I AM ALSO VERY SAD ABOUT THAT
DeleteI AM NOT BEING NICE. I AM TRYING VERY HARD TO BE MEAN. CAN'T YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE?
Except that that is a counterpoint that adds poignancy to the rest of the message-- the speaker is basically choosing death rather than a confined existence, and that shows more clearly than anything the depth of the hurt caused by holding on to something meant to be free.
ReplyDeleteYou know, the whole "If you love something, let it go" becomes so very much deeper of a concept-- let it go, despite what terrible things may happen to it, because that is what it wants, because confinement isn't love.
(I am going to give you something that makes me laugh now; you probably have seen it before, but whatevs: didn't Caitlin repost something along these lines: "If you love something, let it go. If you don't love something, then definitely let it go. Basically just drop everything; who cares?")
You add so much more than I meant, and I appreciate that; it makes me think in more interesting ways :)
Delete(XD Caitlin is the besssst)
YES, SHE IS.
DeleteTELL ME HOW IT GOES.