There. I said it. I'd like to go back to work, now, please.

It is almost too new to talk about? But I'm kind of squirrelly, so I need to say something.

First of all, I'm feeling  . . . happy. For the first time in an age. I mean, I'm still panicking, and I just wrecked my car, and I need a new job, and just thinking about all of this is making me ill, but. I don't hate my life for the present moment. I feel something strangely akin to hope. This is . . . huge.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll be direct at the moment instead of oblique, as has been my habit. I may or may not have feelings? About a person? But I'm desperately worried that God is against this whole thing, and I am trying not to commit my emotions to anything. I don't want to rationalize my way into a situation that will just be bad for everyone in the end.

Long story time.

With my last boyfriend, I kind of really wanted it to happen, and I sort of kickstarted it into happening, even though I prayed for a sign and didn't get it. So. About 6 months before it ended, I got another clear indicator that this was a bad idea. I thought my way out of it, convincing myself that surely that wasn't what He meant. It went sour a few months later, and I can't help believing that it would have been better to end it . . . earlier.

It's been like. Years. Five years? Wow. I've been single for at least five years now, just sort of waiting. I've prayed many times over for His will to be done, and I think, maybe? Maybe. That there might be some sort of a green light. With someone I would never have considered five years ago, but maybe I've been waiting all this time for a reason? Like. I can come up with all sorts of reasons why this is okay, but maybe I'm overthinking. Maybe the sick feeling in my stomach is the pizza I shouldn't have eaten last night.

See, I thought I got the same sort of "Nope" signal that I should have listened to back then, but then I kept listening, and I think what I was actually hearing was "Wait for it." But is that me implanting what I want to hear? I mean, He keeps reassuring me, but I'm very Gideon of late, and . . . well. I'll go in circles for days if I keep thinking. I speak from the last week or so of experience.