Surprise, sucker...

It was one of those flashbang grenades, and it went off somewhere behind my nose. My mind couldn't see straight or make sense of anything it was hearing. I mean, I heard him and saw him, but processing? Nah.

I said the right things, I think, and made the right faces and was generally how I needed to be right then. You couldn't tell by looking at me how hard I was shaken up inside, neat boxes of feelings and thinkings and paradigms in my head tossed around like an earthquake had hit, epicenter: me.

Putting everything back in its place was a chore for later. It was like cleaning your room, a journey of discovery and recovery all in one. How long has this been hiding here? I thought I had thrown it away. This should go in a different place, and this one I want to try on and see how it fits me now.

I'm repackaged, but not everything fit right. Guess we'll see how it goes.

sorry for gibberish

i'm on an edge
about something
about several things
so i guess i am balanced on blades

i'm waiting all tense for something? anything? to happen
but it's up to me to make it happen
or it's inevitable and bearing down
compressing my gut into an anxious knot

i also feel guilty
and alone
and jealous
and angry
and bored
and tired

one more makes it perfect, so . . .

i feel
afraid