just needed to vent a bit.

So, I guess I'm singing with Bel Canto again for this semester. Kibble said something about letting me jump into I Cantori again, but I had to tell her that I can't make half the rehearsals, so that's out, I guess. It was a thing I wanted very badly, but as the song goes, you can't get always get what you want, can you? Sigh. It's kinda depressed me for the moment. Like . . . I was psyched up for maybe getting to do it, and now I can't, so . . . yeah. It sucks. It sort of emptied me of what excitement I'd mustered for doing stuff today.

It is okay, though! I am singing a bit, at least. That is something more than I had accomplished by this time yesterday.

ugh.

Bluuuuuuurgh. I feel ill.

First week of work down. I tried to stay positive; I really did. Not as hard as I should have, perhaps, but there was definite effort involved. And I still hate it. I hate it so incredibly much.

The worst part isn't that it's cold or sore-making or the whole assembly-line nature of the thing. It's that I can't understand anyone, I don't like any of the people there, and I don't know what's happening. It's also that I have variable hours. Like, I have no idea when I'll be done of an evening. It sucks in the biggest possible way for it to suck.

And it's sucking the life out of me, too. I have zero energy for anything when I get home. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to see anyone. I can't unwind. I just sit, dreading bedtime because the next thing I know will be my alarm heralding a new awful day.

It's been a week.

I can't . . . do this.

I just can't.

I dunno.

It's all a blur, you know.

I've no idea where

the days have gone.

I'd rather thought it'd slow.

The days so empty when

I've nothing on.

I haven't done enough
to learn precisely how
I'm s'posed to go.

Instead, they're filled with stuff.
I wish I could say why
I've lingered so.

Self pity isn't attractive, but there you go.

I want to come up with a clever metaphor or put myself in someone else's shoes to deal with this, but I'm too tired.

It finally happened. I let myself sit still until my only option was the one thing I never wanted.

I kept doing this in school, trapping myself into stupidity over and over again, so I don't know why I imagined I'd be any different in real life.

I'm stuck, and I didn't even put up a fight. How's that for pathetic.