Too transparent by half, but what can one do

I didn't think it would end this way. I think I'm getting worse at it, and I didn't know that was possible. I only managed two days. I had hoped it might last a bit longer, if I'm being honest, and though I rarely am about this sort of thing, this is an occasion for it. I began with nothing, so I've got nothing to lose. 

Actually, to take the cynic's perspective, I think I see improvement in my performance. Lying to myself has never been easier. I know what I want to hear and I say it louder and faster than the truth can squeak out a counterargument. The lie is what sticks. The lie is what ruins it. I write the lie on my mind with my own hand, and my pitiful heart believes its appealing deceit. Then I act the fool and there's an end.

Argh. This sucks.