just needed to vent a bit.

So, I guess I'm singing with Bel Canto again for this semester. Kibble said something about letting me jump into I Cantori again, but I had to tell her that I can't make half the rehearsals, so that's out, I guess. It was a thing I wanted very badly, but as the song goes, you can't get always get what you want, can you? Sigh. It's kinda depressed me for the moment. Like . . . I was psyched up for maybe getting to do it, and now I can't, so . . . yeah. It sucks. It sort of emptied me of what excitement I'd mustered for doing stuff today.

It is okay, though! I am singing a bit, at least. That is something more than I had accomplished by this time yesterday.

ugh.

Bluuuuuuurgh. I feel ill.

First week of work down. I tried to stay positive; I really did. Not as hard as I should have, perhaps, but there was definite effort involved. And I still hate it. I hate it so incredibly much.

The worst part isn't that it's cold or sore-making or the whole assembly-line nature of the thing. It's that I can't understand anyone, I don't like any of the people there, and I don't know what's happening. It's also that I have variable hours. Like, I have no idea when I'll be done of an evening. It sucks in the biggest possible way for it to suck.

And it's sucking the life out of me, too. I have zero energy for anything when I get home. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to see anyone. I can't unwind. I just sit, dreading bedtime because the next thing I know will be my alarm heralding a new awful day.

It's been a week.

I can't . . . do this.

I just can't.

I dunno.

It's all a blur, you know.

I've no idea where

the days have gone.

I'd rather thought it'd slow.

The days so empty when

I've nothing on.

I haven't done enough
to learn precisely how
I'm s'posed to go.

Instead, they're filled with stuff.
I wish I could say why
I've lingered so.

Self pity isn't attractive, but there you go.

I want to come up with a clever metaphor or put myself in someone else's shoes to deal with this, but I'm too tired.

It finally happened. I let myself sit still until my only option was the one thing I never wanted.

I kept doing this in school, trapping myself into stupidity over and over again, so I don't know why I imagined I'd be any different in real life.

I'm stuck, and I didn't even put up a fight. How's that for pathetic.

story of my life

Setback, minor.

Dismay, major.

Avoidance, entire.

sooner rather than later would be nice.

It's not even a thing. I mean, it definitely totally is not any kind of a thing, so she's not allowed to feel this way . . .
but she does.

Like being queasy but higher up, somewhere in the . . . oh. That spot between and to the left of her lungs. Heartsick is the term, isn't it?

She's about to cry from wanting to know. It's none of her business, and she knows it, and she's not gonna ask because of how very much she understands that, but the nausea is still pulsing, spreading with her blood flow down her arms, into her stomach, stinging at her toes. Pouring through tear ducts onto her cheeks.

With a quick breath, she sucks it back up into the bottle where she keeps all stuff of this sort, labeled "Unacceptable for Public Display"; corks it tightly.

Shakes off the lingering tingle of despair.

panicking

ack ack ack ack ack ack

why is it so very hard to do and keep hold of things that you really really want?

I want to be in a choir group but it was so hard to start communications with the director and now I finally did but I stupidly took off for the weekend not realizing I'd be out of touch and so I finally emailed him back almost a week later but maybe now he hates me and maybe he's gotten someone else to fill the part already and maybe he is going to think I am unreliable or something and maybe now it is all ruined and I am terrified that I have lost my chance at a thing I really really want that I worked and stressed and worried so hard to even get and I'm basically a nervous wreck.

Also I have made multiple plans for today and I dunno how any of them are gonna fit. Like, 4 different plans.

I am lucid in the morning. I hate mornings.

This is what I get for getting up before noon.