Today

Long day it has been.

Work boring as usual.

Saw Avengers again, which was stellar.

Still have a lot of feelings that I need to work through, but I have no time to do so, so I am left a seething mass of crazy.

Hmm.

Hopkins on the mind

I'm full up of poetry that isn't mine, and what was me is lost.

Always so afraid of losing my voice means it isn't a strong voice at all and easily swayed and quickly muddled muddied by everything else no strong core to back it up to center it to anchor it in the swelling storm of influence a deluge of diverse universe-dwellers each with a louder word than my little one.

Maybe if I make no sense, no one will understand and they will have to say I am different.

Let's try this again

Okay, no guarantees or I will feel tied down, but I think I finally have time for this lovely part of the internet again.

I've been busy with all sorts of things that aren't really important, if you catch my meaning. Lots of creative endeavors that get me nowhere, because I am exactly as good at them as I am at keeping up with this. Take from that what you will.

I do so wish I had talent. Instead, I decide to tackle art that is definitely not my division. I don't think I have a division.

It's going to take awhile before I can articulate all the feelings I have had lately. Have to sort through them first, and they all blend together into a roiling mass of agonizing pain.

Goody. My tear ducts needed a workout.

Promises I never do keep

It's been awhile...


So I may just type up a few things jotted down on scraps of paper left here and there.


Things that could be read, if anyone cares to read them.


But if no one does, that's okay, too. The internet is better preservation than receipt bits. 


Here's one:


_____

knit, purl, knit, purl, knit, purl. Change needles.

slip, twist, curses, untangle, rethread, knit, purl.

Almost today. Words were on the tip of my tongue, and they might have worked. I didn't say them, though. Not today.

knit, purl, knit, purl, knit two together. Change needles.

Maybe if I had, this would have been it. This could have been my moment, the one I've been waiting for, looking for, hoping for.

slip, slip, knit two together. knit, purl, knit, purl. slip, pull slipped stitch over.

I didn't, though.

knit, purl, knit, drop, rethread. drop, rethread. knit.

If I had.

pull stitch. rethread. purl, knit, purl.

Not today.

Change needles. knit, purl, knit, purl, knit, purl, knit, purl.

On our way

"That is a giant book."

"Aye, sir," Sulu replied. 

"Sensor readings?" 

"It appears to be a ship, Captain. I believe you can. . .fit inside it, if you choose to. Standard atmospheric conditions inside." Kirk nodded, abrupt and decisive again. 

"Spock, Bones, join me in the transporter room. We're beaming over." She rose and headed for the door. "Mr. Sulu, you have the conn."

"C--captain?" Spock stuttered.

"Janelle? Are you sure about this?" Bones followed Kirk up to the lift.

"Nope. But it's a giant book; doesn't that sound like fun?" she grinned.

"Loads. Can we at least take phasers?" asked Spock, joining them in the small space.

"Yes," Kirk pronounced. "Set them to stun." 

"Phasers to stun. Heh." Spock snickered. Bones gave her a curious look.

". . . What was that?" 

Spock shook herself, shrugging. "Just always hoped to find a contextually relevant way to say that."

"Oh, it's relevant, all right. We are on a starship. In space. I can't think of any place that phrase would be more relevant." 

"Pretty much." The lift was quiet for a moment. "Hey, guys."

Bones gave Spock another look. Kirk glanced over from her reverie. "What?"

"We're on a star ship. Going on an away mission."

"Yeah? So?"
"Just wanted to point that out. Makes me happy, is all."

Bones shook her head, wrinkling her nose. "Okay, then." Kirk gave a brief smile, then surveyed the lift. 

"Hey . . . are we even moving?"

". . .I don't think so."

"Deck five."

The lift sped down the shaft.

Taking care of business

"Captain, sensors picked up an unmarked vessel. Refuses to identify." Sulu reported to Kirk, who reluctantly took her chair. Spock stood to her right, Bones on the left.
"Um. . .can we see it?" Kirk asked. Sulu and Chekov looked at each other, then back at Kirk. Spock sighed.
"On screen, Mr. Chekov."
"Aye, sir." As he made a few adjustments to his controls, a small brown dot appeared in the center of the view screen.
"Bigger!" said Kirk.
"Magnify," said Spock.
"Aye, commander." The dot expanded to fill the screen, resolving into an unexpected shape.
"What."
"Indeed, doctor. What even." The trio had frozen momentarily, but Bones's flat exclamation removed their paralysis. Kirk put forth an uncertain inquiry.
"Ummmm. . .you guys? Is that. . ."
"I believe it is, Captain."
Spock glanced at her two companions. Bones was doing the same, and they noticed Kirk's face at the same moment. They shared a long-suffering look, and waited for it.
"Can we. . .fit inside that?"

Diamond edge

I just don't, anymore.  I used to, with everything in me, all my "heart" as they say. Didn't worry, but things were oh so worrisome and I should have, it should be, should have been, but I used to.

Trust, I mean. I just don't, anymore.

No, you didn't hurt me. I may have thought you were a pillar and maybe you were holding up that fragile thing that I lost somewhere, lost it for good this time I think, but you didn't hurt me. Didn't need the breakable bits anyhow.

The end of the world, we all thought, and we all said no to that. More of us then. Solid to prop up each other, stand firm together and none of our brittleness will be vulnerable. I used to, didn't worry, and I should have, but I used to.

Collapsed, every single one.

Except me.

So I don't, anymore. Trust, I mean. I just don't.