Directions

Full up

Winding down

Worn out

Turning in

Nothing left

It's all right.

It hurts everywhere

Creaking. An old screen door on a spring hinge that smashes back into place with an agonizing clang.
Stretching. A rubber band yanked out of shape that snaps back into shape with a pinching sting.
Ripping. A wash rag caught on a nail that shreds back into filaments with a jagged tear.

My body is a bit worse for the wear this evening.

Cats, three of them

get OUT

go AWAY

LEAVE

you are shedding on my clothes and scratching yourself on my material gross

i wanted to wear those and use that

we are not friends

WE HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDS

OUT

also you smell.

Think

I'm less than I thought.
I'm larger than I thought.
I'm weaker than I thought.
I'm louder than I thought.
I'm slower than I thought.

When I thought at all.

That's why I don't.

To Augusta and back

Rumbling road below and on into never-end
Clean dusty plastic sanitizer recycled air cold on face and bare arms
Glare of a purple sun through black lenses and rows of green-blue leaves on trees
Deep sharpening ache in the empty space across lower back

Drove for hours today.

After midnight and before 2

Wrung out.

I'm not feeling feelings

I'm not thinking thoughts

I'm blank.

I should be dreaming dreams.

To bed with me

Sleepy, I am.

Running out of TV to watch already...or rather, I am bored with much of it.

Waaaaay too early in the summer for that.

Deep but not profound

Feet, not shoes.

Happy, not sad.

Sleep, not rest.

Sabbath, not Saturday.

Tomorrow, not today.

Cool your jets

I would die for you.

--that's a bit much, she thinks.

Let's build a future together.

--that's kinda sudden, she thinks.

I would be nothing without you.

--that's a lot of pressure, she thinks.


--it's been a week, she thinks.

Rambling tonight

So, Homestuck.

Oddly enough, though not at all surprising, 'twas Tumblr that introduced me to Hussie's shenanigans. Someone posts as a headline: "HE'S NOT EVEN STUCK AT HOME" and of course this makes me laugh hard enough to remember that I hadn't looked at it yet, so I did, and I was off with a flying leap.

Has been . . . maybe a month? Maybe a week or two more? Since I began the epic journey that is reading Homestuck from its creation until this point. Hussie is nothing if not prolific. It took me the better part of three weeks, reading whenever possible.

Turns out I love everything it chooses to be . . . that Hussie chooses to make it be. No regrets, and I even got a new otp in the bargain. As doomed as most of mine, but just as beautiful for it.

Tis a great fandom. Tis an hilarious comic. Tis an involved story with great characters and interesting worlds.

I rec it. Heartily.

Where ideas go

I love the crisp crackle of paper. I like watching its pristine surface slowly disappear beneath ink and lead, black and blue and gray of a drawing or some words that might mean something and might not, but they mark up the paper all the same.
Roll it up, fold it up, tear it up. Disposable and destructible, brittle and bent.
A used-up sheet is a repository of so much.

Paper is excellent stuff.

Last night was Sunday night

Tis hot. I am tired.
Spent the weekend watching, I kid you not, 4 seasons of Teen Titans, because super heroes and why not.
The internet is misbehaving terribly.
It even ate this post.

Escapism interrupted

Sometimes, I'm dried up.
The words won't come, nor will ideas in any order.
The worst is when I've worked myself up to feel a bit, gotten into character, am on the verge of understanding something new . . . and then am interrupted by reality.
I can't be crying alone in the car for beloved ones on the page and on the screen when I pick my mom up from work. I can't wallow in sentiment while scrubbing a surface clean.
Wouldn't it be nice if reality never had to intrude on the preferable fiction?

A moment's truth

You think yourself better than them, he says, and it's not a question but a statement, because he knows me.

I am smarter. He is stronger. They are beneath the both of us.

Aren't they?

-if i cannot tell myself this lie, prove to myself that it is truth
   -my plans are undone
   -my hopes unfulfilled
   -my purpose lost

I've come too far.

Well, yes, I answer, as if he is stating the obvious.

Redirect

Angry. Bubbling up vengeful thoughts and chewing them back down before they pour out like tears.
Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up, stop talking, we, no, I am tired of listening to you go on and on about what no one cares about except you putting all of us into boxes and deciding for us who we are and what we need and how we should spend our time don't label me don't order me don't talk to me because I am only rage and you are the cage that I cannot escape because no matter how much I want to hurt you I can't do it now is not the time the time will never come that I will allow myself to explode because I have the control that you have imposed on me all my life and it has become part of me so I will never escape it or you and that bites worst of all

But if I feed this it will never end, and capsuled hate hurts no one but me.

Channel it elsewhere.

Sonic

ICE CREAM.
At ten forty-five of an evening. I enjoy this.
Relishing the idea of an ill-advised ice cream run and also the cold sweet taste it leaves in my mouth.
So much sugar. I ordered a small.

Blunting my edges but in a bad way

I feel rather like
I am becoming dull.
Not that I was ever interesting. I mean that I'm no longer sharp. I wander around in a chemical haze and move slower than I think even slugs are prone to do.
I hoped I would have lots of thoughts and be deep while I worked.
Turns out being a janitor does not inspire deep thought. It inspires, in fact, no thought, and I am more blank than I was before. Which is to say, very blank indeed.

I need to keep my brain from dripping out my ears.
I need to write more.

What home can do

Come home, little one.

Wayward son.

Wandering brother.

Proud man.

You are
You were
So much better
So much more

Please.

You will be
So much better
So much more
Again.

If you just
Come home.

Today

Long day it has been.

Work boring as usual.

Saw Avengers again, which was stellar.

Still have a lot of feelings that I need to work through, but I have no time to do so, so I am left a seething mass of crazy.

Hmm.

Hopkins on the mind

I'm full up of poetry that isn't mine, and what was me is lost.

Always so afraid of losing my voice means it isn't a strong voice at all and easily swayed and quickly muddled muddied by everything else no strong core to back it up to center it to anchor it in the swelling storm of influence a deluge of diverse universe-dwellers each with a louder word than my little one.

Maybe if I make no sense, no one will understand and they will have to say I am different.

Let's try this again

Okay, no guarantees or I will feel tied down, but I think I finally have time for this lovely part of the internet again.

I've been busy with all sorts of things that aren't really important, if you catch my meaning. Lots of creative endeavors that get me nowhere, because I am exactly as good at them as I am at keeping up with this. Take from that what you will.

I do so wish I had talent. Instead, I decide to tackle art that is definitely not my division. I don't think I have a division.

It's going to take awhile before I can articulate all the feelings I have had lately. Have to sort through them first, and they all blend together into a roiling mass of agonizing pain.

Goody. My tear ducts needed a workout.

Promises I never do keep

It's been awhile...


So I may just type up a few things jotted down on scraps of paper left here and there.


Things that could be read, if anyone cares to read them.


But if no one does, that's okay, too. The internet is better preservation than receipt bits. 


Here's one:


_____

knit, purl, knit, purl, knit, purl. Change needles.

slip, twist, curses, untangle, rethread, knit, purl.

Almost today. Words were on the tip of my tongue, and they might have worked. I didn't say them, though. Not today.

knit, purl, knit, purl, knit two together. Change needles.

Maybe if I had, this would have been it. This could have been my moment, the one I've been waiting for, looking for, hoping for.

slip, slip, knit two together. knit, purl, knit, purl. slip, pull slipped stitch over.

I didn't, though.

knit, purl, knit, drop, rethread. drop, rethread. knit.

If I had.

pull stitch. rethread. purl, knit, purl.

Not today.

Change needles. knit, purl, knit, purl, knit, purl, knit, purl.